If you're the kind of person who goes out for lunch more often than not, keeping the spark going can be a real chore. Sure, that burger place across the street from the office is something you know. It's comfortable, but maybe it's too comfortable. You could strike out on your own for something exotic, but you just had Indian on Tuesday. Tacos would be good, but then you'll be burping all afternoon. Eventually the blur of fast food joints gets to be so overwhelming that you simply trudge off to that old, reliable burger joint like a spouse faithful only because of their inability to attract the opposite sex.

No longer, hungry readers.

Every week in this space, we?ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that?s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Lindsay Lohan has filed a $100 million lawsuit in New York's Nassau County Supreme Court, claiming an E-Trade commercial features a baby modeled after her.

Experts say this suit puts E-Trade in a clever bind, because if they actually respond by calling Lindsay Lohan a stupid, self-centered know-nothing idiot baby, then their...
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Google?s old motto: Don?t be evil. The new one: Don?t speak English.

If you thought the main problem with our ?Real Actual Field Test? videos was that they made too much sense, you?re in luck. Now you can watch them with the sound off, reading along with subtitles provided by ?Transcribe Audio,? a feature in beta testing that uses Google?s speech recognition technologies to automatically caption YouTube videos. The results? Pure Dada.

YouTube, we...
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I?m Never Going Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

At last, I can watch my favorite commercials without sitting through all those annoying shows.

Concise storytelling. Striking visuals. Hapless, overfed man-children in comical situations. These are the things I love about television ? or rather, used to love about television, before it turned into a cheapo cesspool of ?reality? freakshows. Nowadays, the real artistry comes in thirty-second chunks. Turns out...
Discuss this article on the forums. (0 posts)

I?m Never Going Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

At last, I can watch my favorite commercials without sitting through all those annoying shows.

Concise storytelling. Striking visuals. Hapless, overfed man-children in comical situations. These are the things I love about television ? or rather, used to love about television, before it turned into a cheapo cesspool of ?reality? freakshows. Nowadays, the real artistry comes in thirty-second chunks. Turns out...
Discuss this article on the forums. (0 posts)

I?m Never Going Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

At last, I can watch my favorite commercials without sitting through all those annoying shows.

Concise storytelling. Striking visuals. Hapless, overfed man-children in comical situations. These are the things I love about television ? or rather, used to love about television, before it turned into a cheapo cesspool of ?reality? freakshows. Nowadays, the real artistry comes in thirty-second chunks. Turns out...
Discuss this article on the forums. (0 posts)

I?m Never Going Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

At last, I can watch my favorite commercials without sitting through all those annoying shows.

Concise storytelling. Striking visuals. Hapless, overfed man-children in comical situations. These are the things I love about television ? or rather, used to love about television, before it turned into a cheapo cesspool of ?reality? freakshows. Nowadays, the real artistry comes in thirty-second chunks. Turns out...
Discuss this article on the forums. (0 posts)

I?m Never Going Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

At last, I can watch my favorite commercials without sitting through all those annoying shows.

Concise storytelling. Striking visuals. Hapless, overfed man-children in comical situations. These are the things I love about television ? or rather, used to love about television, before it turned into a cheapo cesspool of ?reality? freakshows. Nowadays, the real artistry comes in thirty-second chunks. Turns out...
Discuss this article on the forums. (0 posts)

I?m Never Going Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

At last, I can watch my favorite commercials without sitting through all those annoying shows.

Concise storytelling. Striking visuals. Hapless, overfed man-children in comical situations. These are the things I love about television ? or rather, used to love about television, before it turned into a cheapo cesspool of ?reality? freakshows. Nowadays, the real artistry comes in thirty-second chunks. Turns out...
Discuss this article on the forums. (0 posts)